another day, another chapter

its really funny... when someone dares you to do something, would you really do it even if they won't be able to confirm it? I did... my ex-hubby (I probably should start calling him that) dared me to send a letter to their HR stating the financial arrangement since we're parting ways already. I said I did, but didn't actually... I'm not that stupid. I value people for their work and I know he's working extra hard (or is he?) for his regularization. Even if we won't be together and he won't be supporting the kids in any way, I am happy that he has finally found his happiness.

C'mon, when your hubby is already looking forward to having a life without you, should you be happy? Not to mention that I'm due to give birth anytime now... Funny isn't it... he's abandoned us in the most dreaded time... the time that I'll be gambling my life and our unborn son's life... Oh well, probably, kanya-kanya lang tlaga ng buhay at story yan... as for me... its getting tragic as the days pass by...

Right now, my family is torn... I've got no way of mending it unless my ex-hubby sees it fit... My daughter is not close to her dad... She always sleeps with me even if her dad is already at her bed... I pity her for she lost her dad... I pity him more because he doesn't realize what it is that he just lost...

Got to go for now... I need my rest...

at times, kala mo love can keep you alive... but most of the time, love will kill you. not in the the physical sense, but it can really kill the person you are before you are with this person. i learned that too late...

coming in the 3rd year of being together, there's one thing that really broke my heart. "wala ng mahal ngaun..." hearing that kind of answer when asked why did you married the person you are with right now, it really broke me into pieces...

you see, i'm the kind of fighter who chooses her fights carefully. i decide if something is really worth fighting for or not... i thought my marriage was one of the worth fighting for... but after hearing all of these hurtful things coming from my own husband's mouth (or typing that is)... i came clear to me that marriage won't work if its only one-way...

i'm trying to make it work but every time my hubby is at work and is just chatting with me, he transforms into someone i had never known before... he suddenly becomes cold, selfish and arrogant... don't get me wrong, either don't blame my hormones for it...

i came to question myself today... what are you going to do about it? knowing that your husband is no longer in love with you? my answer... i don't know. i really don't. for the first time in my marriage, i felt like a little helpless child again... longing for the affection and care of the people around me...

i knew how it is like being pressured with work and all... i am working while taking care of my daughter and my unborn son... and to top it all up... i'm married to someone i don't even know right now...

tell me, is it wrong to tell the truth about why things are happening? is it right for a husband to get jealous over the little favors his partner is giving to her own family? is it wrong to hope that someday, he'll find it in his heart to believe that i love him for who he is, not for what he can provide?...

I'm 35 weeks and 6 days right now into my pregnancy... i have a heart condition that can endanger me in the time of giving birth... i want my child to be saved first before me... that's the way i want it to be...

August 7

I'm on my 33rd week now and, boy, its getting tougher! Contractions here and there... worries about pre-term labor and work... what more can I ask for? My checkup is scheduled weekly now as I enter the last month of my pregnancy...

Amar is a bit excited with the new baby... she always kisses my tummy before she goes to sleep. I don't know about hubby... he's just too busy with work to even think about it... we're just preparing financially for the coming of the new baby...

Of course, new adjustments must be made and new sacrifices as well... It looks like it'll be me again to sacrifice and adjust... Hubby's work is demanding and he wants to keep up with the demand..

I'm reviewing a new book that our office is selling... "Work, Life, Balance" is something that every parent and company must have... it'll give them a view on how things work when one overworks and throws the family aside... it also gave examples of those companies who have programs that enables employees to have a balanced work-family relationships...

oh well, a few more weeks and a new baby will add smiles to our day... =)

i came in too early...

I only come to work once or twice a week. Unfortunately, I came in too early today, 7am to be exact. However, our "office manager" didn't came to work. Thus, me & amar are stuck outside the office. I don't have any keys to the office since I'm a probie. Its a good thing that I have my laptop with me. But its battery is almost half empty. Its hot here in the hallway because no AC is running. I'm just waiting for my other officemates to come in, probably around 10 they'll be here. Oh well, good thing that I seldom report to work. I don't have to waste much of my time waiting.

Nothing much...

I've been up late for most of the time... thanks to my growing baby... but my hubby is working overtime as well... yeah i know... some of you might think that its not really work that he's doing but i'm trusting him that he's a changed man.

hubby has a new job and it was... from his stories before... a "dream job" for him... the office is in Makati, the position is of Asst.Manager, the pay and benefits are great, and the job description is of something he really excels in. i was, of course, happy for him since his career is right on track. how about mine? oh well, freelance i would call it coz i only come in to the office 2x a week. my boss is the best that you'll ever find.

anyway, since my son's grand debut to the world is near, i've got my own fears. one is that i won't be able to count on my hubby for support since his work demands more time from him. two, being left with 2 kids to look after to while trying to recuperate fully from the stress of giving birth makes it even harder.

based from my experience with amar, she sleeps most of the time in the morning and at night. she's most active during the afternoon and early morning. given that same scenario, amar is already a toddler and olai is as much trouble as his sister was, there won't be enough time for me to take a rest or yet to sleep. as much as i would want hubby to help out, i know he's tired from all days work. but it is up to him if he can help out. greatly appreciated if he will!

right now, hubby is in charge of amar at night. but of course, i do wake him up when amar starts crying and he's still asleep. early this morning, amar woke up and went to my bed. she is probably cold and her dad sleeps on the other side of the bed (i kept on telling him to cuddle up with amar!) amar was awake up to 9:30pm last night waiting for her dad to come home. when i told her that daddy wasn't coming home any time soon, she just went to bed and slept. i feel sorry when those times happen because i know that our daughter misses her dad so much... i spent 24/7 of my life with her... hubby only sees amar when he comes home from work and before he leaves from work... they only get the chance to play during weekends and when daddy is not busy watching cable movies...

i cannot expect him to spend time with me if he can't even spend time with our daughter. i want amar to get all of his attention when he has the time-off from work because she needs her more than i do. i still attend to his needs whenever i can and i think he does the same thing as well for me...

oh well, its lunch time... amar is sleeping soundly (she's snoring)... she woke up early today... and olai is behaving well inside my tummy... so i guess this is relaxing time for me... ciao for now!

going back to before...

I've been browsing through some pregnancy blogs lately and noticed that women do really have different perspective about it. I mean, being vain is not a sin but shouldn't your baby come first before fixing yourself up... it feels good to have those surprised faces of people when you told them you already got a baby... but i guess it would really feel much better if they will compliment you on how well your baby is...

I got a lot of good compliments months after I gave birth to Amar. My weight was back to normal (pre-pregnancy that is), my body is well-toned (no exercise for me) and my skin looked better. But when people complimented me on how healthy my baby is, like she is a "smiling" baby, "charmer", etc... when compared to other baby, I felt great because I've been taking care of her more than I am to myself.

I don't think I'll be needing to take liposuction, whitening treatments, or basically any treatment to be complimented that I look good. I want to feel good about myself first that I'm giving my best for my kids and hubby. And then probably, looking good outside will come next.

I lost my extra pounds after I gave birth. I have a "hilot" who took care of me for about a month. Its like going to the spa everyday. She gave me and the baby massages 2x a day. When we're allowed to take a bath, she bathes us. I used the belly trimmer (the bandage that you tie around your waist) after every massage. The hilot said that it will help me trim down those fats that accumulated in my waist area. After a month, I can wear tight fitting shirts again without the bulges...

my skin cleared after i gave birth. blemishes started to disappear as months went by.

i didn't used any surgery to make myself look good. Its probably the feeling that after I gave birth to my daughter, I am still the person that I was before. I resolve to be better each day... as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister and as a friend. I cannot have "beautiful" days all the time but as long as I am loved by my family, nothing can break my spirit... even if i'm not as slim as i was before... =)

Happy 2nd Wedding Anniversary...

Oh well, time really flies... its our 2nd wedding anniversary... amidst the arguments and misunderstandings... we're still together... God really has a funny way of putting people together...

We may not have a celebrated it in anyway... hubby is busy with work, i'm busy being a full-time mom... but learning through all those years of being together and looking forward to many more is simply one of the best ways of thanking the good Lord of blessing our union as husband and wife...

Again, to my hubby and best friend, Happy 2nd wedding anniversary! =)