another day, another chapter

its really funny... when someone dares you to do something, would you really do it even if they won't be able to confirm it? I did... my ex-hubby (I probably should start calling him that) dared me to send a letter to their HR stating the financial arrangement since we're parting ways already. I said I did, but didn't actually... I'm not that stupid. I value people for their work and I know he's working extra hard (or is he?) for his regularization. Even if we won't be together and he won't be supporting the kids in any way, I am happy that he has finally found his happiness.

C'mon, when your hubby is already looking forward to having a life without you, should you be happy? Not to mention that I'm due to give birth anytime now... Funny isn't it... he's abandoned us in the most dreaded time... the time that I'll be gambling my life and our unborn son's life... Oh well, probably, kanya-kanya lang tlaga ng buhay at story yan... as for me... its getting tragic as the days pass by...

Right now, my family is torn... I've got no way of mending it unless my ex-hubby sees it fit... My daughter is not close to her dad... She always sleeps with me even if her dad is already at her bed... I pity her for she lost her dad... I pity him more because he doesn't realize what it is that he just lost...

Got to go for now... I need my rest...

at times, kala mo love can keep you alive... but most of the time, love will kill you. not in the the physical sense, but it can really kill the person you are before you are with this person. i learned that too late...

coming in the 3rd year of being together, there's one thing that really broke my heart. "wala ng mahal ngaun..." hearing that kind of answer when asked why did you married the person you are with right now, it really broke me into pieces...

you see, i'm the kind of fighter who chooses her fights carefully. i decide if something is really worth fighting for or not... i thought my marriage was one of the worth fighting for... but after hearing all of these hurtful things coming from my own husband's mouth (or typing that is)... i came clear to me that marriage won't work if its only one-way...

i'm trying to make it work but every time my hubby is at work and is just chatting with me, he transforms into someone i had never known before... he suddenly becomes cold, selfish and arrogant... don't get me wrong, either don't blame my hormones for it...

i came to question myself today... what are you going to do about it? knowing that your husband is no longer in love with you? my answer... i don't know. i really don't. for the first time in my marriage, i felt like a little helpless child again... longing for the affection and care of the people around me...

i knew how it is like being pressured with work and all... i am working while taking care of my daughter and my unborn son... and to top it all up... i'm married to someone i don't even know right now...

tell me, is it wrong to tell the truth about why things are happening? is it right for a husband to get jealous over the little favors his partner is giving to her own family? is it wrong to hope that someday, he'll find it in his heart to believe that i love him for who he is, not for what he can provide?...

I'm 35 weeks and 6 days right now into my pregnancy... i have a heart condition that can endanger me in the time of giving birth... i want my child to be saved first before me... that's the way i want it to be...

August 7

I'm on my 33rd week now and, boy, its getting tougher! Contractions here and there... worries about pre-term labor and work... what more can I ask for? My checkup is scheduled weekly now as I enter the last month of my pregnancy...

Amar is a bit excited with the new baby... she always kisses my tummy before she goes to sleep. I don't know about hubby... he's just too busy with work to even think about it... we're just preparing financially for the coming of the new baby...

Of course, new adjustments must be made and new sacrifices as well... It looks like it'll be me again to sacrifice and adjust... Hubby's work is demanding and he wants to keep up with the demand..

I'm reviewing a new book that our office is selling... "Work, Life, Balance" is something that every parent and company must have... it'll give them a view on how things work when one overworks and throws the family aside... it also gave examples of those companies who have programs that enables employees to have a balanced work-family relationships...

oh well, a few more weeks and a new baby will add smiles to our day... =)

i came in too early...

I only come to work once or twice a week. Unfortunately, I came in too early today, 7am to be exact. However, our "office manager" didn't came to work. Thus, me & amar are stuck outside the office. I don't have any keys to the office since I'm a probie. Its a good thing that I have my laptop with me. But its battery is almost half empty. Its hot here in the hallway because no AC is running. I'm just waiting for my other officemates to come in, probably around 10 they'll be here. Oh well, good thing that I seldom report to work. I don't have to waste much of my time waiting.

Nothing much...

I've been up late for most of the time... thanks to my growing baby... but my hubby is working overtime as well... yeah i know... some of you might think that its not really work that he's doing but i'm trusting him that he's a changed man.

hubby has a new job and it was... from his stories before... a "dream job" for him... the office is in Makati, the position is of Asst.Manager, the pay and benefits are great, and the job description is of something he really excels in. i was, of course, happy for him since his career is right on track. how about mine? oh well, freelance i would call it coz i only come in to the office 2x a week. my boss is the best that you'll ever find.

anyway, since my son's grand debut to the world is near, i've got my own fears. one is that i won't be able to count on my hubby for support since his work demands more time from him. two, being left with 2 kids to look after to while trying to recuperate fully from the stress of giving birth makes it even harder.

based from my experience with amar, she sleeps most of the time in the morning and at night. she's most active during the afternoon and early morning. given that same scenario, amar is already a toddler and olai is as much trouble as his sister was, there won't be enough time for me to take a rest or yet to sleep. as much as i would want hubby to help out, i know he's tired from all days work. but it is up to him if he can help out. greatly appreciated if he will!

right now, hubby is in charge of amar at night. but of course, i do wake him up when amar starts crying and he's still asleep. early this morning, amar woke up and went to my bed. she is probably cold and her dad sleeps on the other side of the bed (i kept on telling him to cuddle up with amar!) amar was awake up to 9:30pm last night waiting for her dad to come home. when i told her that daddy wasn't coming home any time soon, she just went to bed and slept. i feel sorry when those times happen because i know that our daughter misses her dad so much... i spent 24/7 of my life with her... hubby only sees amar when he comes home from work and before he leaves from work... they only get the chance to play during weekends and when daddy is not busy watching cable movies...

i cannot expect him to spend time with me if he can't even spend time with our daughter. i want amar to get all of his attention when he has the time-off from work because she needs her more than i do. i still attend to his needs whenever i can and i think he does the same thing as well for me...

oh well, its lunch time... amar is sleeping soundly (she's snoring)... she woke up early today... and olai is behaving well inside my tummy... so i guess this is relaxing time for me... ciao for now!

going back to before...

I've been browsing through some pregnancy blogs lately and noticed that women do really have different perspective about it. I mean, being vain is not a sin but shouldn't your baby come first before fixing yourself up... it feels good to have those surprised faces of people when you told them you already got a baby... but i guess it would really feel much better if they will compliment you on how well your baby is...

I got a lot of good compliments months after I gave birth to Amar. My weight was back to normal (pre-pregnancy that is), my body is well-toned (no exercise for me) and my skin looked better. But when people complimented me on how healthy my baby is, like she is a "smiling" baby, "charmer", etc... when compared to other baby, I felt great because I've been taking care of her more than I am to myself.

I don't think I'll be needing to take liposuction, whitening treatments, or basically any treatment to be complimented that I look good. I want to feel good about myself first that I'm giving my best for my kids and hubby. And then probably, looking good outside will come next.

I lost my extra pounds after I gave birth. I have a "hilot" who took care of me for about a month. Its like going to the spa everyday. She gave me and the baby massages 2x a day. When we're allowed to take a bath, she bathes us. I used the belly trimmer (the bandage that you tie around your waist) after every massage. The hilot said that it will help me trim down those fats that accumulated in my waist area. After a month, I can wear tight fitting shirts again without the bulges...

my skin cleared after i gave birth. blemishes started to disappear as months went by.

i didn't used any surgery to make myself look good. Its probably the feeling that after I gave birth to my daughter, I am still the person that I was before. I resolve to be better each day... as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister and as a friend. I cannot have "beautiful" days all the time but as long as I am loved by my family, nothing can break my spirit... even if i'm not as slim as i was before... =)

Happy 2nd Wedding Anniversary...

Oh well, time really flies... its our 2nd wedding anniversary... amidst the arguments and misunderstandings... we're still together... God really has a funny way of putting people together...

We may not have a celebrated it in anyway... hubby is busy with work, i'm busy being a full-time mom... but learning through all those years of being together and looking forward to many more is simply one of the best ways of thanking the good Lord of blessing our union as husband and wife...

Again, to my hubby and best friend, Happy 2nd wedding anniversary! =)

On my 32nd week...

My gosh! Time do really fly! Just yesterday we got the news from the strip that we're expecting our 2nd baby and now I'm already on my 32nd week (8mos.)... 4-6 more weeks and our new angel will say "Ola!" to our world... Right now, I'm enjoying every moment I have with Amar. Though she's being a brat most of the time, she still makes me thank God that she was sent to us... I just love her smile, how she makes "lambing" when she wants to be cuddled, how she kisses and hugs everyone she loves... how she kisses my tummy and says "baby"... i just love her for being herself... the coming weeks are sure going to be tough but hopefully my prayers will be answered... =)

July 24

its hard to understand how things work if you don't have an idea what it is, to begin with. you may have an idea what are the parts do, but doesn't fully understand the mechanics on how it'll go. its weird when something changes and you are left with no idea what to do with it.

right now, i'm a month or so away from giving birth to my 2nd baby. i'm at the crossroads where i really don't know where i'm supposed to go. i have sacrificed a lot already for my family. my hubby is happy with his new job (coz it is another milestone in his career)... i'm stuck with taking care of my eldest and in danger of losing my job because of that... i want to prove to myself that i'm worth something other than being a wife and a mother. though being a mother is a 24/7 job, i am happy seeing and being with my daughter all the time. but when you think about providing financially, it sometimes becomes a hindrance. i'm having a difficulty finding a "yaya" for amar and yet everyone seems not to mind it. i just wish someone would really offer a helping hand for me to able to go to work at least 2x a week.

i have decided to go work abroad by 2009. my hubby's job is good and has a lot of growing opportunities. i'm just starting my new job. i want my mom to stay at home when i work abroad so she could take care of the kids. i don't plan on going back here anymore. i want to leave everything, sacrifice my happiness for the sake of financially satisfying everyone. i even told my hubby that he can get a new wife as soon as i leave the country (seriously). it hurts me to say it and more to accept that it can be a fact soon. i just want everyone to be happy.

so there, those are my sentiments right now. i guess pregnant women are really sensitive... ciao for now.

Thanks Hon & Dad!

Today is, well, Sunday! The last day that we will have the time to rest... I'm doing my work and my hubby is watching the Ginebra game while... ironing our clothes! Yes, you read it right. My hubby does the ironing ever since my health problem worsened due to my previous callcenter stint. He is my handyman whenever he's at home. He does most of the physical tasks for me. He's in-charge with Amar every Saturday and Sunday... He gives her a bath, changes her diapers, looks after her the whole day... while I take a rest from all the week's work... I'm so lucky that he is willing to do all those things for us... =)

The Past... and Today...

I never would have known how my mom felt every time one of her children gets sick. I can still remember the first time we were told that our little Amar is showing signs that she is struggling with an infection. She was just a few days old. And it make a mom’s heart really bleed to death seeing her child in deep pain at such a young age.

Amar was diagnosed to have sepsis when she was just 6-days old. She was having diarrhea the whole day and her feces turned from yellow to dark green. Her skin and eyes are yellowish from the infection. I’ve got no one with me at home during that time. I texted my mom and my husband regarding the baby’s condition. They said that I should bring her to the doctor immediately. My mom and I brought her to the hospital where Lui’s older brother knows a very good pediatrician. She was the one who instructed him to bring Amar to the hospital so she could stop the infection from spreading and us losing our baby.

My heart really broke that night when the doctors tried to put IVs on my little angel’s hands and feet. They kept on trying to find a good vein wherein they could hook it up to the IV. My mom took the courage to stay in the emergency room for my little angel to hold on to. I just can’t take the pain. I got a room for us and waited until my hubby came to the hospital. Dr. Estephany Guerra came in to our room the following morning and ordered some blood and urine tests to be done. She explained to us the situation and the things that she will be doing to save our baby.

An incubator was ordered by the doctor where my baby will be staying in for about 4 days. I had to turn her little body, eyes covered with gauze bandages, every hour or so. It could help her skin get the melanin to develop continuously. Antibiotics are inserted in her IV. We kept watch on her day and night.

I never wanted to take my eyes off her. I sang to her lullabies when she is crying. I held her in my arms and sway her to sleep. I talked to her when she is asleep. I can see that my baby is born a fighter.

It was the Black Nazarene’s feast and I kept on praying, while watching the procession on TV, to the Nazarene to heal my daughter. I vowed to bring her to His Church every chance that I get. The following day, the doctor said that she’s on her way to recovery. I was so relieved! We were even allowed to leave the hospital 2 days earlier provided that I will be bringing her in back for her antibiotic shots. It’s a good thing that the nurse who took care of Amar in the hospital was someone related to us. Thanks April!

Anyway, as far as I can see, Amar is a bouncing baby girl. Taking on the world’s challenges as it comes along her way with a brave face. Though she cries once in a while, she is still a baby that needs her parents to guide her way.

I’m running low on battery so I need to rest now. Thank you Lord for putting everyone that I have right now in my life. May you bless them all always! =)

July 18

I’m not a fan of blogging or writing anything about myself… well of course, I do chat with my hubby when he’s at work. Aside from that I’ve kept mum about things going on with me…

I’m a few weeks away from giving birth to my son, about 6-7 weeks to be exact. Lately I’ve been feeling restless especially at night when he’s a bit active. Its just the time of the night when sleeping is again shying away from me. I’m watching cable with my hubby coz he’s not sleepy as well.

Amar, my oldest, is having stomachaches tonight. I’ve got to get in and out of my bed just to soothe her back to sleep. Our bed is cramped for 3 people and I’ve got scoliosis which made me take the floor and my camp-style bedding as my bed. Amar woke up atleast 2x tonight crying heavily and it’s a good thing that I’ve got acete de manzanilla to soothe her stomachaches due to gas spasms.

Anyway, this is just about it for tonight. I’ve got an aching back already and I feel like vomiting again. Oh… Olai, my baby boy, just told me he’s awake already. My tummy is moving like the waves and I get a kick or two before he starts moving around. It hurts at times but I believe its just one of the wonders of having a life growing inside of you.

oh... 3 days passed by so quickly...

anyway, i'm already on my 4th month and everything is doing good... Olai is starting to move and though he's about 4" long, he's a squirmer...

i've already resigned from my work and now looking for a part time job... Lui's got 3 work offers and we need to decide which one to sign in for...

oh! the long weekend passed by so quickly that i still want to extend my sleep in the morning... but Amar woke up too early (5am) for her milk. she loves going down to my bed when she notices i'm in their bed (i sleep in a different bed because of my scolio)...

oh well... it's time to go home again... tomorrow is another day....